John Jung, LPCC-S

Clinical Director, New Creation Counseling Center

28 April 2017

The issue of forgiveness is universal. It is not just an issue for counselors, nor just for the spiritual or religious aspects of forgiveness. What do you think of when I use the word “forgive”? Does it make you think of weakness, surrender? Do those who forgive do so simply to avoid conflict? Is forgiveness a quick and easy way out of confrontation of real issues? Does forgiveness mean that the offense was not important, or even real? Should all offenses be forgiven?

These are some first questions which come up when one first thinks of forgiving. As counselors and clergy, how do we discuss these issues in order to help people to heal?

In counseling situations, especially in relationship issues, we see partners hurt or offended by one another. Relationships are affected by the power dynamic. People enter into relationships, often unequal in power. One person is more “needy” than the other. One person feels a great need to be needed, and draws his or her validation from the acceptance of the other. What happens when one person draws away from the person who is “needier”? Often, the “needier” person is devastated, and will do anything to win back the other person, even to the point of losing self-respect. They will forgive the other person’s actions, even without thinking of the offense, even if it is physical punishment. Is this true forgiveness?

• It is freely given, not under duress, threat or fear. Forgiveness given under those circumstances is not free. It is offered out of desires to manipulate another, and perhaps to avoid the pain of separation.

• It is an act of the will, not of emotions. If forgiveness is offered only out of feeling, it will fade as quickly as the feeling recedes. People who are governed by their emotions are at risk of changing like the weather. They are not safe people.

• To not forgive, or to hold a grudge, is a manipulation. By holding on to the offense, we put ourselves in the place of God. We feel justified to be in this place because we were wronged, and our sense of fairness has been upset. We therefore try to restore the balance by placing ourselves on the “moral high ground”, believing that we have the right to withhold forgiveness. (Mt. 18:23-35)

• Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. In fact, it would be foolish, if not impossible to forget a major life event, a significant offense. However, we can decide not to let the memory rule our life. Corrie ten Boom, who lost most of her family in Nazi concentration camps (for harboring Jews), confronted one of the Nazi guards after the war. They faced one another, and the guard expected to be the target of unspeakable wrath from Corrie. He asked her if she remembered him, and she said she did. He asked if she remembered what happened in the camps. Corrie tenBoom said, “I distinctly remembering to forget what you did. I forgive you”. Corrie did not forget the events. She made a conscious decision to forgive the guard, and not let the horrible memories dominate her life.

• Forgiveness frees us to be forgiven ourselves. The Bible says that those who do not forgive will not receive forgiveness. It is a basic human need to be forgiven. All of us, being imperfect, fail, come short, or, at times, actively engage in wrongful behavior. For such things we need forgiveness. If we are not forgiven, we will experience guilt, low self-esteem, and we will tend to act in self-destructive ways.

• Forgiveness is not about glossing over wrongs. True forgiveness must embrace the pain and horror of the offense in order to be genuine. It does not deny an offense. It recognizes the pain, but forgiveness says, “I will not continue to perpetuate this pain”.

• Those who decide not to forgive, and who continue to define themselves by their offender, are victims. Those who decide to forgive their offenders and move on with their life are called survivors and overcomers.

• Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. There are times when forgiveness takes place, but the relationship cannot continue. When someone has been molested, for example, there is a need for the offended party to be forgiven. Usually, it is neither healthy nor safe to have a continued relationship with the offender, but forgiveness frees the victim nonetheless.

• The offender does not need to ask for forgiveness to receive it. While forgiveness, both giving and receiving it makes us whole and healthy, we can forgive others even if they do not ask for it. Forgiving an offender is a freeing experience for those who grant it. This can be done regardless of the state of the offender. Yes, it is better for the offender to ask for forgiveness, but we cannot always wait for that to happen. Will we hold on to a grudge waiting for the offender to ask for forgiveness, or will we be proactive and forgive him/her before they ask?

Communication is Optional

We do not need to have communication with the offender in order to forgive him/her. The offender may even be long gone from our lives, or dead, but we can forgive those who wronged us, even when they are gone.

Own Our Part

Part of forgiveness is recognizing our part in the wrong that has broken relationship or hurt someone. It is not always clear who was the offender, and who was the victim. Often, both (or more) parties are hurt and there is a need for soul searching about our part in the hurt. Did my actions, knowingly or unknowingly, contribute to the problem? We then must do the soul work necessary to begin the forgiveness process.

Forgive Ourselves

We are often our own worst critics, and we may labor under a burden of guilt never intended for us. I once had a client who had a near death experience. She had lived a life of addiction and prostitution, and when she was in the hospital near death, she had a journey to the other side. Her experience was not a pleasant one, as we hear so often. Her journey was not one of being drawn toward the light. Hers was a journey to darkness and terror. Here she confronted her past, her fears, and her shame. She then heard a voice, which said to her “Why won’t you forgive yourself?” If I sent my Son to die for you, and I forgive you, how dare you not forgive yourself?” This was a turning point for her. She obviously survived to tell this story, and has since been able to share this story with many others. She accepted forgiveness, and has redeemed her pain into help for others who suffer from shame and failure to forgive themselves. 

Connect with Suffering

Forgiveness work gets us in touch with suffering. Suffering is part of the human condition. Everyone in this room has suffered, some decidedly more than others, but all have suffered. Your pain may have been physical, spiritual, mental, emotional, or all of the above. When we look for the cause of suffering, we often try to affix blame. When we are rejected by a friend, we may blame him/her for being insensitive, for not being a true friend when we needed them. We may take some pleasure in feeling sorry for ourselves, and blaming the person who hurt us. We may even be correct in assessing that we were hurt unjustly. All this being true, how does it advance our situation to hold a grudge against our offender? Will it get us past the hurt? Will it help me grow? Will it help me to be a better friend to someone else? Does it make me feel better to hold on to the hurt? Does it justify self-indulgent behaviors on my part (“I deserve a little pleasure after what I’ve gone through”)? Does it allow me to be self righteous, feeling superior to the offender? What are my real motives?

Deal with Our Feelings

Forgiveness work includes sorting through feelings. After trauma or pain, one needs to go through the work of sorting out the complex mix of feelings which may be present. Feelings of sadness or loss. The need to grieve the real or perceived loss (relationship, opportunity, employment, success, physical loss etc.). Feelings of shame or guilt over having been victimized or humiliated. Feelings of violation of personal space, perhaps. Feelings of fear. Can I protect myself? Will I ever be able to overcome this? Am I losing my mind? Feelings of loss of control. We all want control, and it is probably an illusion, but we all have a sense of personal power and control. (We do have control of our feelings, attitudes and behaviors.) Feelings of anger, and a sense of entitlement to such feelings. (“I have a right to be angry”). While anger may be a very legitimate response to our situation, what will I do with it? Will I nurture it and give it a life of its own? Will I use it to allow self pity? Will I use it to satisfy fantasies of revenge on my enemy? Am I angry with God? Can I even voice such a feeling? (Why did He let me down, I’ve been good!”)

Taking charge of one’s life means making decisions- about what to do, how to respond to life situations, and taking responsibility for feelings. Making a decision about forgiveness is no different. One cannot wait until feelings “come around”, in order to forgive.  Deciding not to blame the offender for my feelings about the offense; deciding not to continue in bitterness; deciding not to fantasize revenge; deciding to see the offender as a human being, flawed as he or she might be.

While forgiveness may be a decision, it may not be a natural thing, but a supernatural thing. We may need the presence of God to really do the forgiveness more than just “word deep”. Saying the words “I forgive you”, while important, is not enough. We need to back up those words by taking charge of our thoughts and attitudes, and not allowing the bitterness to take our thoughts captive. In this way, it is much like grief work – letting go. Grief, as we know, comes in waves, and we need to deal with it as it comes. We amy need to remind ourselves that we have forgiven the offender. As we go on, months or years later, we may need to forgive at a deeper level. For example, if someone loses a child to a drunk driver, forgiveness may mean one thing in the early months or years after the event. As we approach anniversaries or birthdays of the lost child, we may need to grieve the loss of seeing that child graduate high school, marriage, grandchildren – then forgive the offender for those losses as well. The cost, if we do not forgive, is bitterness, harder grief, victimization, and loss of quality of life.

In the book of Genesis, chapter 50:15-21, we see how Joseph, having been sold into slavery by his brothers, and having already once forgiven them, must take the next step in assuring them that the forgiveness was real, for him and them. Further, he takes an important next step- he asserts that out of this awful deed they had done, there was a very positive thing that happened, that God had planned without them even knowing it. It shows his faith and the healing attitude, which made Joseph a model of forgiveness and victory over victimization.