Listening Rule #1

Ryan Casto, LPCC

Associate Director, New Creation Counseling Center

1 March 2018

This is a tough one, and people sometimes misinterpret what I'm trying to say. So bear with me. And I will be addressing situations where people are verbally arguing. If you're in a situation where there is actual violence going on, there are other things you need to do. I'm not talking about those situations here.

I hate arguing. Arguments are not attempts to solve problems. They do not allow the argument participants to be supported, listened to, understood, or accepted. Arguments are power struggles, they are fights. In a fight, we are not trying to come to some consensus or achieve mutual understanding. We are trying to win a fight. We are trying to overpower the other person. That is why in an argument we say hurtful things, try to get the last word, and spew all manner of silliness out of our mouths.

I understand arguments, though. If two people are arguing, then you have two people who are increasingly trying harder and harder to get the other person to understand what they are saying, to get them to appreciate how they feel about a situation and to take their opinions seriously. This is the most understandable thing in the world to want, to be listened to and taken seriously. The problem is that we get desperate to get through to the other person, and so we can push HARD to get our message across. The irony of all this is that the more we push on others the more resistant they become to our efforts to get through to them.

I don't have to tell you that we can be meaner to our loved ones than we are to perfect strangers. This is because we are even more desperate to be understood and accepted by our loved ones, so we push harder on them to get through to them. When we detect that our message is not being received by our loved ones, we can feel much more rejected than we feel with strangers or acquaintances, and so we are more likely to attack them more harshly, perceiving that they have attacked us by rejecting us.

So I am proposing a solution to arguing and to the destruction it can wreak in your life - learn to listen. And Rule #1 of listening? Keep your mouth shut.

"What are you saying?" you may ask. "I've been walked on my whole life, now you want me to continue being a doormat? Are you saying I should just pretend that I don't have opinions, I should stuff my feelings?"

No. That's not what I'm saying. At all.

When someone says something to you, and you respond with your own opinion, or you respond with some kind of correction, justification or defense, you can send subtle but hurtful messages that you are rejecting what the person has just said to you. Though you don't intend it, you can easily communicate to someone that you don't care about what they said or what they think or feel. This can lead to them being hurt, being more likely to feel rejected by you, and being more likely to attack you because they're angry. This happens so subtly but so quickly that civil discussions rapidly get out of hand, and suddenly you're left wondering how the conversation turned into a train wreck.

When you're in a discussion or an argument and the other person is talking to you, do not respond. Don't interrupt. don't defend yourself. Don't correct what they're saying. Don't offer an explanation of your behavior. Keep your mouth shut. Let them talk. Let them falsely accuse you. Let them say something that you know is wrong. Let them express their opinions and thoughts and feelings. And you don't say anything. Just listen. Take in what they are saying. Try to understand as accurately as you can what they are saying.

Now obviously I'm not saying to keep your mouth shut permanently. There will be plenty of time to express yourself to others in assertive, respectful ways. But you have to resist the impulse to start talking right away, because you will not be intentional with your response, you will likely exacerbate things and contribute to the argument that you want to avoid. By "keep your mouth shut" I mean you have to keep from blurting out the stuff you normally blurt. Do not come back with your opinion, your version of events, your thoughts on how what the other person said was wrong or inaccurate.

When you do open your mouth, your goal should be to paraphrase what the person said, without adding any of your own opinions, interpretations, corrections, etc. Simply paraphrase what they have just said to you. That means you repeat what they said but use your own words. This is a powerful tool because, instead of sending messages to the other person that you reject their message, you are actually giving them evidence that you take their opinion seriously, by taking the time to verbalize their message back to them. You are letting them know that, rather than just waiting for your turn to talk, you are sticking with what they said and taking time to consider it, not just waiting to refute it. People have to believe that you are listening to them, they have to believe that you are taking them seriously and that you accept them. The paraphrase is a great way to help them believe these things about you.

And you have to do it even when the other person is not listening to you. The reason is that when two people continue clashing against each other in an attempt to get their needs met, the only viable solution is that one person stops trying to get their needs met and starts trying to meet the needs of the other person. You have to temporarily put off what you want and give someone else what they want. Someone has to break the cycle. And it's gonna have to be you. If you don't do it, nobody will. And arguments will continue, and you will understandably give up trying to communicate with your loved one. That is not a desirable outcome.

I am telling you this works. This is how counseling works. When people believe that they are being taken seriously, when they believe that they are accepted, when they believe that they are valued, then they will be open to what you have to say, they will be more likely to receive your feedback and make changes that you recommend. They will be more likely to take your thoughts, feelings, and opinions seriously. This works.

It is hard to sit on your automatic responses. It is hard to keep from defending yourself when you're being accused of something. But all you have to do is try it one time. Take one conversation with your spouse or partner or parent or child and try this for ten minutes. If they say "you never listen to me, all you care about is yourself!" then say back to them "you're mad at me because you think I don't care about anyone but me". Don't try to explain how you actually do care about people. There will be time for that later. But meet their needs. Let them know you are listening to them. I promise you if you try this you will get a different response, the conversation will at least start to go in a different direction, and you will start to experience some hope that communication can improve.