Ryan Casto, LPCC

Director, Program Services, New Creation Counseling Center

28 February 2017

I used to run counseling groups for several years that treated people with depression and anxiety.  This is what I would typically hear from people who came to group: they would say that their family or other people in their life did not get them and did not understand what was going on with them.  They would say that their family encouraged them to “cheer up” or “get over it”.  Then they would come to group and find other people who seemed to “understand” or “get” them.  Can you relate to this experience?

In group people experienced a sense of being accepted, and they often felt like they were missing this sense of acceptance at home.  Being accepted unconditionally may be the key ingredient in healing.  Think back on your childhood.  Did you experience the opposite of this, where you were taught that your worth was conditional?  Maybe there was nothing you could do to be worthwhile in the eyes of other people.  Maybe you learned that nothing you did was ever good enough for the important people in your life.  Maybe you experienced neglect or abuse.  Relationships where we only feel worthy “if” we meet certain conditions (or where we are blatantly taught that we were worthless) are not relationships where we experience healing.  Rather, they are relationships that can be very harmful to us.

You know what you need?  To experience unconditional acceptance.  You can find this with supportive people.  These could be good friends, a support group, a therapy group, church family, or loving family members.  It can be really helpful if you open up to these people.  Let them see your not-so-pretty side, let them hear about the mistakes you have made, about the things with which you are struggling.  You will find that they will like you even more when they learn these things about you.  Rather than reject you, you may likely experience a little of that acceptance that people really want in their life.

You know what other people need?  The same thing you do – acceptance.  Most people walk around waiting for other people to either reject them or attack them.  Because of this most people are ready to hide what they are going through or are quick to think that you are criticizing or judging them. 

We may have difficult people in our lives right now, and we wonder how we can get our needs met through these people.  Here is something that I believe is the truth: if you want acceptance from these people, start giving acceptance to them.  You can give this acceptance by using Listening Skills.  Listening skills help you let other people know that you are listening to them, that you accept them, that you are not judging them, and that you care about them.

Here’s how to listen: after someone says something to you, paraphrase it back to them.  Don’t express your own opinion; there will be time for that later.  Stick to only what they say, and say it back to them in your own words.  Then try to identify a feeling that they are having.  If someone says to you “Why can’t you get with the program!?” you would say “you’re angry, and you think I need to get with the program."

You may be listening to people, but they need to believe that you are listening to them.  You can help convince them of this by using listening skills.  The more people believe you are listening to them, the less they have to fight in order to be heard, and the less you will be attacked by them.  They will be more open to your opinion.  They will be more likely to talk about embarrassing or vulnerable topics.  And they will feel more accepted by you.  And that is probably one of the best gifts you could ever give anyone. 

The reason listening skills work is because people are ashamed and embarrassed about their internal experience.  People have a hard time understanding their internal experience, and most of us were never taught how to describe or understand what is happening inside us.  Probably our biggest fear is that we will be rejected by others if they find out who we really are.  So when people see what’s really happening inside us, and they do NOT reject us, this becomes very powerful in terms of getting some of that acceptance that we need so badly. 

So here’s what’s happening inside us:

We have thoughts, which are the things we say to ourselves, like when we talk to ourselves.  Thoughts are also opinions that we have.  They can be rules that we live by.  They can also be beliefs that we have, beliefs that are sometimes so deep that we are not even aware that we have them.  We believe things like “people will always reject me”.  We act on beliefs like this all the time, but we are not always aware that we are thinking this way. 

We also have feelings.  These are emotions like anger, sadness, shame, joy, fear, disgust, jealousy.  We often say “I feel like such an idiot!”  Well “like an idiot” is not a feeling.   We are probably feeling mad at ourselves because we think we are an idiot.  That is a feeling and a thought.  See that?

We also have urges.  Feelings give us urges to do things.  Have you ever wanted to throttle someone?  That means you feel angry toward them, and you have an urge to throttle them. 

You may also have gas.  I guess that’s a part of your internal experience…but just keep that to yourself, thank you very much. 

Do you want more acceptance in your life?  Then take a risk and share your internal experience, your thoughts, feelings, and urges with other people.  Not necessarily with the mail man or the girl at Kroger.  They don't want to hear it.  But with people who are in your life who have demonstrated some trustworthiness. 

Do you want more acceptance in your life?  Give acceptance to others by letting them know that you see their internal experience, their thoughts, feelings, and urges, and let them know that you do not reject them.